Granny Gurts' Dirty Joke Book

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Comment by Marishka Dracul on October 1, 2009 at 2:08am

THIS IS TOOO FUNNY.
Living in 2009



YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. ha ha ha

Comment by Strangefire on July 2, 2008 at 12:42am

Please post jokes by START DISCUSSION...lol...lawdy you Strangers!-)

Comment by janetr on May 24, 2008 at 6:17pm

Comment by janetr on May 22, 2008 at 12:35am

hehe!

Comment by janetr on May 22, 2008 at 12:34am

> The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

>

> I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

> reasons:

> I do physical labor.

> I work at great depths.

> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

> I work in a damp environment.

> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

> I work in high temperatures.

> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

> Sincerely,

>

> P. Niss

>

> The Response

>

> Dear Penis:

> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have

> raised, the administration rejects your request for the following

> reasons:

> You do not work 8 hours straight.

> You fall asleep after brief work periods.

> You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not

> stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other

> locations.

> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated

> in order to start working.

> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing

> the correct protective clothing.

> You will retire well before you are 65.

> You are unable to work double shifts.

> You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have

> completed the assigned task.

> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

> exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

> Sincerely,

>

> V. Gina

> Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

> Caveats: NONE

Comment by snodrifter52 on May 16, 2008 at 7:26pm

a monastery opens up a restaurant to help defray every-day expenses. since they're located by the sea, they specialize in seafood. one day, a customer comes to the counter and complains about the odd taste of his fish and chips. " are you the fish friar?", he asks. "sorry, my brother", comes the reply. "i'm the chip monk." (janetr, i love ya!!!)

Comment by janetr on May 15, 2008 at 8:56pm

not dirty! just silly!
And the madness continues.....

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Comment by snodrifter52 on May 15, 2008 at 7:06pm

a young woman stumbles into a hospital, obviously in labor. she's rushed to the maternity ward, and the process begins. the head emerges and the doctor tells her everything is fine. a few minutes later, she hears the doc say "this is strange..." "whats wrong?!" she asks. "well," says the doc, "your baby's head is white, but his chest is definitely black...do you know who the father is?" "no, i'm not sure", she replies. the delivery continues, when she hears "oh my!!" "what?!! what's wrong with my baby?!" "well, his hips and upper legs are yellow!! now, just concentrate...we're almost finished." finally the kid is out. from the knees down, the kid is red. "young lady," says the doc," you have obviously been around...but, aside from the multi-colored skin, he seems healthy!" with that, he cuts the cord, hauls him up and smacks his butt. the baby starts crying. the woman leans back on her elbows, puts her head back, and says "thank christ it didn't bark!!!"

Comment by janetr on May 8, 2008 at 7:14pm

Comment by MommaToldMeNotToCome on May 7, 2008 at 2:38am

BTW, anomic inspired me with the remark about "old jokes!" haha!

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